October 4th

  Well, I'm a day late but better late than never. Five years ago Nathan put a ring on it! (Thank you Ms. Barbara for the reminder..she's a walking calendar...it's great! :) Yep, he got down on one knee and said the most wonderful words, "Will you be my wife?". My sweetie did such a great job planning the night...it was absolutely perfect for us! He planned a little "trail" to him with notes and flowers which ended on the roof of the Crusade office, which is where I had secretly hoped he'd propose but never told a soul, the only One that could control that knew though. Those notes will be forever cherished by me. My dearest asked me on a date last night and we were able reminisce about all the events of the weekend. God continues to blow me away by allowing me to enjoy Nathan's love, friendship and leadership....absolutely more than I could have asked or imagined!

Could it be twins???!!!

Below is the post I've tossed around sharing for a long time. It felt risky to post something so "unknown" (by us), but in the end, this process is part of our story and it does and will continue to reflect God's faithfulness. The update since I wrote this almost two months ago is really nothing. :( We're still waiting for God to reveal His plan to us. I read John Pipers letter to Noel saying yes to their adoption. Such an encouragement to my soul, "What matters is not that we do all we might have done or all we dreamed of doing, but that while we live, we live by faith in future grace and walk in the path of love. The times are in God’s hands, not ours." - Piper

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Oh my! We received the BEST CALL EVER on Monday evening.. The "shared list" was due to be released on the evening of July 23. All day I had talked to God, "Lord, it would be really fun if you'd work a miracle and allow our LID (log-in date) to arrive today." So at 6:00 pm when I get a call from our caseworker, my heartbeat picked up the pace thinking the Lord might have chosen to surprise us. Well, He most certainly surprised us, but not with a LID. Not in a million years did I expect to hear what she had to say. Caseworker: "Hi Kim, I've got some exciting news but it's not definite. There is a possibility of twins. Would you and Nathan be open to twins?" Kim's thoughts: "What!!???? Are you kidding me? That would be just about the greatest thing I've ever heard!! Will Nathan be ok with this? Wait, we're only approved for one child. Lord, this would be just the most precious blessing! How much more will this cost? How in the world did we get blessed with this call?? My friend Kelly is praying for SN China twins...should I suggest her instead? How can I carry both babies around in a ergo at the same time?? What is the special need?" All of these thoughts swirled around in my head in a matter of minutes. Of course she answered all she could, but we don't have a file yet so there are still many questions that are unanswered at this point. Ultimately our agency needed our green light on twins before they started chasing their files. Our caseworker said that she'd email me all the details and a link to their pictures!!! Sadly Nathan was working in Midtown on Monday so I couldn't just fly to his office to discuss. I called him immediately and told him to drop everything, I needed his full attention for this news. Funny thing is that he was in the bathroom. :) He had answered since I had called 3 times back to back so he was worried I needed him immediately...which I DID! So I said, "Ok, you can call me back, but just pray about TWINS!" He laughed excitedly/nervously. He called me back and I told him the facts I knew, we prayed and opened the link to the pictures at exactly the same time.

We thought that girls were so incredibly precious, but we were trying to wrap our brain around this and wondering if this is what God has for us. We laughed, asked questions that couldn't be answered, sat in silence thinking, made the same comments over and over "this just seems to be too unusual for it not to be what God has for us".

What I haven't explained yet is why our caseworker told us "it's not definite." You see, typically when she calls us with a possible placement, she has the file of the child "locked" so no other families can see it. However, the twins files haven't yet made it to CCCWA. We've received word that the orphanage is working on their files to be posted on the shared list, but we are trying to secure their files before they hit the shared list. So there is no guarantee at this point that another family won't get their file before us...SIGH! The girls are just the most adorable things ever.  Like I said, the girls are one year old and both have a minor special need. Now we wait. We wait to see if God has ordained for us to be these girls parents. On Monday night I was trying to force myself to be guarded which was pretty much impossible. By Tuesday, I had completely given up and prayed that God would heal my heart if this doesn't work out. It's been great to be put in a situation to really trust His goodness no matter the outcome.

"Oh the depths of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God. How unsearchable His judgements and His paths beyond tracing out. Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been His counselor? Who has ever given to God, that God should repay them? For from Him and through Him and for Him are all things. To Him be the Glory forever! Amen." - Romans 11:33-36

Waiting with Action

It seems that waiting has been a theme in our lives for a while now. Lots of days I can honestly say I'm thankful for it because it forces us to cling to our Father and forces us to decide if we'll trust in Him or live full of anxiety with trust in ourselves (or our adoption agency or the infertility doc or fill in the blank). We all hate the unknown because ultimately we want control....We want to KNOW, we want to PLAN, we want to get on with our lives. So that leads to the days that I fight waiting with everything in my being...I want to scream that I can't take it any longer. Today is one of those days. I look at pictures and so want to experience everything our little one is seeing, doing, smelling, discovering today. However, I'm also slightly schizophrenic because as I write that sentence I'm reminded that the Lord met with me this morning and He is near! I praise Him for His work that is obtaining the best for us, not giving us all the gifts we ask for because He is all-knowing and has the best...not just good. The Spirit has given me a desire for righteousness, my flesh just wants control, comfort, happiness...Glad we are more than conquerors of our old sin nature by the blood of Christ and that God will not allow me to settle. He continues to bring things into our lives that force us to refinement, to righteousness.
Anyway, during this process we've been trying to figure out how to wait well. We want to wait with action. This by in large means constant prayer, but I also had the idea of writing a letter to our little one for each day we wait, beginning today. Just the emotions we're feeling, what's going on in our lives, how God is working and what we're learning. I haven't totally decided if I'll post them or if they'll be too personal to share. Either way, I'm looking forward to it.

We Received our LID!!!

Whoo Hoo!! We received the news that our dossier has been logged into the CCCWA system! The coveted LID (Log-In Date) allows us to see referrals and lock it for placement. The LID is actually August 2nd! Almost 20 days later we receive the news...we were sweating it for nothing. :) So thankful for this good news this morning! Thank you Lord for getting us to this point!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATHAN!!

Today is such a fun day....a whole day we get to celebrate the creation of Nathan! What a incredible thing to celebrate and praise God for! I've always said that God blessed me more than I could ask or imagine in giving me Nathan to enjoy as my husband. Each year I see that more and more. This past year has had many ups and downs, but Nathan's Godly character is constant. He's humble, he's a servant and he wants God to use his life for His Glory. Happy Birthday Sweetie!

Waiting

We're waiting on some news about a placement. I'll post more as we get news, however I don't want to forget what God is doing in our hearts through this process. There are all these emotions swirling around in my heart and mind. First, how incredibly blessed we feel for the potential opportunity...that God would choose to give us a gift so sweet in His infinite mercy! Secondly, realizing how quickly my heart forgets His love for Nathan and me in thinking that God might withhold something good from us. Thirdly, the joy of repentance and surrender in confessing my unbelief, my desire to control and my fear of my heart not being able to take bad news (relying on my own strength). Yesterday God really encouraged me with Phil 2:13. ^" for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." It was a great reminder that He's working in us for HIS good pleasure. Knowing this process PLEASES HIM gives me the strength to wait with joy, wait with eager expectation of His plan unfolding, wait with patience.

Dossier Off to China!

Last Thursday, July 12th, our fully authenticated I-800A approval arrived at our agency, then they shipped the entire dossier to China!!! Whoo Hoo! So thankful it's finally on it's way. Looks like we won't get to see referrals until the August list, but I still have hope for July. However, I'm very thankful that the Spirit has given us faith in God's timing being perfect! We only want to see a referral when it's the right time. Our case worker informed us that the list is most often released the last Monday of each month around 6:00 pm. Please be praying for us to be filled with the Spirit to have discernment in this process. It's a tremendous blessing to know that God has ordained this child to be ours from the beginning of time and will lead us to them. Praise God for His Sovereignty and mercy in sending us the Spirit!

I'm currently reading Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray and The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis. They are both a bit overwhelming as I think about where our child is now and what she/he is experiencing each day. However, God has continued to remind me that His grace is sufficient for me and His power is made perfect in weakness.

I can only imagine how hard the wait will be once we're matched. However, yesterday I do feel the yearning started a bit. As I was walking down the hall at work, I just had this overwhelming desire to go get our child....to start loving, protecting, feeding, and rocking her/him. Once again, I'm reminded that God doesn't make mistakes. We'll wait.

I'll keep you posted on the referral!